Alex - the pensive one Although the nation were united in their suspicions of Alex's dodgy/ godawful hair first witnessed in his dodgy/ godawful application video, but since most of the viewers are female, the nation quickly and astutely decided Alex was not only gorgeous but completely homosexual. His new and very optimistic fanbase would like to think that his 'pensive' nature is merely a manifestation of his depth, thoughtfulness and sublime intensity, instead of it being a more pleasant side effect of the egomaniacal arrogant piss artist character of a male model who keeps going on about his failed Armenia campaign.

MARTHA WRITES:

There is the blonde girl whose breasts seem desperate to escape that bikini top, (so desperate in fact that I almost feel obliged to help). Anyway she's in a titchy swimming pool with two guys, a bald bloke with a captain's armband tatooed on his upper arm and someone nondescript who will no doubt win and they're teaching her stuff in the water that's useful, ( i.e. they get get to cop a feel). Watching are two other saps: an Asian woman and a guy in skin of coffee brown. They share my sense of English disgust.

We cut to a scene on the red couch. The pretty, nervous Asian girl and a fellow smoker are trying to work out two-thirds of 250g. How hard is that???? After 15 minutes they still haven't got it so I go to bed.

Jade - the blonde annoying stupid one Jade is one of the unfortunate members of the population who have had their faces set on fire and put out with shovels. Public opinion is divided as to which area of her face is most annoying - her nose, her eyebags, or her constantly open mouth. Public opinion is not, however, divided on how extremely irritating she is. Authorities have already made emergency provision for Jade and her entire family to be relocated under the government witness protection scheme after she is voted out of the house next week. Unlike the other housemates, Jade is not expected to carve a successful pop career for herself when the series ends due in part to her incessant screeching and her torrent of racist and anti-vegetarian remarks.

MARTHA WRITES:

I did the Big Brother quiz by pressing the Jagger-esque red button and scored a perfect 0. And I was really trying! Abbie got 5 out of 6, impressing me with her knowledge going all the way back to some guy called Evil Dave from BB1 who I think will win. I suspect she deliberately flunked the last question to avoid spending the day with me at the house.

New inmate Abbie Doolittle joined yesterday, after authorities had become increasingly worried regarding her countless threats of suicide bombing the Big Brother house because she was too scruffy to afford the small monthly fee for twenty four hour viewing access on the internet. She has shacked up with Sandy, the Fife-ish poorly dressed man. Abbie said, 'I don't really fancy him, I just wanted tabloid headlines to read 'The Thane of Fife had A Wife; It's Abbie.' I can't wait.' Miss Doolittle is the only housemate this year to be remotely Irish, and so the bookies reckon the odds of her winning are 2000000:1. On her entry, Abbie said, 'I really want to shag that Spencer. He's well fit'. Although Doolittle was only allowed in the house because of her rare psychological defect, Reality-Documentary-Interactive Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, she has already gained a huge following through her public threats to 'Beat the living shit of that whiny brat Jade with one of the chickens'. Miss Doolittle later retracted part of this statement after outrage from animal rights groups and revised her plans to include a large iron and a table leg.

MARTHA WRITES:

The Geordie on the red couch scares me to hell, He looks like the weird guy down the pub. It turns out that he is a nice guy and helps the big black woman find her little black thing, (strike one for us blond white guys - yea !!!). I think he'll win.

Kate - the blonde annoying pretty one As soon as the immortal phrase "I thought I was too fat to go on Big Brother" left the perfectly toned and tanned fitness obscessive's mouth, we realised that Kate's days were numbered. It is a well known fact that the majority of Big Brother viewers are female, and another well known fact is that the cultural divide between blonde skinny pretty girls and the rest of the nation can constitute death for anyone stupid enough to think that they could win Big Brother by being prettier than all the viewers. She has to go.

MARTHA WRITES:

Today they sat in the sun and the scary, (but nice), Geordie guy, (who may not be Geordie), offered everyone a "fag". They all said they didn't smoke, including the quiet pretty Asian girl who I think will win, (but who may not be Asian), who we saw smoking a roll-up in a previous show. I turn to my sister and say "hmm!", to which she replies "hmm! huh-humph!!!!" and I storm off to the Londis where they now give away plastic figurines of George W. Bush with every copy of Brecht's "Seven Shilling Opera" hired, (who says there's no inflation?)

PJ is a very nondescript character who will escape the viewers attention and therefore make it quite far in the competition merely by default. The amusement will come when he leaves the house with a massive ego, under the illusion that the nation adores him, only to dissappear into complete obscurity, possibly also impregnating one of the other failed contestants to compensate his bruised ego (see “Tom” the Northern Irish one from BB1). He has a whopping great fat arse and a penchant for getting naked all the time, but he does look a bit like one of our favourite actors Alan Cumming, so I will let him live.

MARTHA WRITES:

Like all outcasts we are desperate for acceptance. We yearn for it, quite literally, and can be heard yearning from all corners of the country. I yearn for many things of course it is in my nature, there is so much lacking in my life but at least I have Hallmark and E4. I forget what I was going to say, but I think it was cutting. Anyway, my sister tells me that there are twelve people in the house, but generally you only see four - the blonde girl with the cute piggy face, the scary guy from the pub who's really quite sweet, a rather large black woman and the quiet Asian girl. Occasionally one of the others makes a guest appearance. There is a bizzarre guy who I think will win who was wearing a grey top with a "4" on his shoulder and a camoflage skirt. There's also a pretty boy with a beard, (which might not be a beard), who the Asian girl looks at in a soppy love-struck manner. Oh yeah, I remember now. Right I'm searching for a Web Ring that'll have us, we being the scum of the Diagnosis Murder world. I do a Web Ring search for different. About halfway down I get a link to the "Exchange Student Ring". This appeals to me for I have a student I wish to exchange. She is not very tall and is spendthrift, (and obviously smelly). I will exchange her for any blonde with a good living who shops only for bargains. NO DOLLS PLEASE. Apparently she can cook. Previous applicants need not apply. This new "Even Softer" toilet roll is amazing! The 'scraping' sensation is really minimalised! Thanks slowpoke@sorebums'r'us.com for the tip.

Spencer – the fit one At first glance it is clear why Spencer was chosen for Big Brother, the fact being that he is utterly gorgeous and everyone fancies him. However, his favourite past times are smoking, sleeping, and sitting around doing nothing. I can relate to this, but it isnt as exciting to watch as say, Sandy running around in the swimming pool, or Alison demonstrating different sexual positions. I would have been down the local bookies this morning putting my last 200 quid on Spencer to win, but something (ie the fact that he has only been there for four days and constantly whinges about how boring it is, drinks copious amounts of alcohol and says he wants to leave) tells me he will leave the house of his own accord. Silly boy.

MARTHA WRITES:

This Spencer guy I hate. He's not the pretty boy with the goatie, but I hate him anyway. I think he's the type of loser who's only response to being confronted by a potential love-rival is to say "I think he's a poof!" Come on Spence baby you'll have to do better than that! I've only seen him once and he was asleep. From what I hear this toe rag, who I have to concede will probably win, is a smelly smoker, hence my sisters affinity to him. I suspect we'll learn in the tabloids about some seedy criminal past, and it won't be a little thing like the murder of one's parents either it'll be some horrid, sickly thing like cheese poisoning. I bet he picks his nose and flicks it out of bus windows and I bet he never cleans up after his dog, (he sure as hell doesn't clean up after mine the lazy so-and-so!). I imagine he'll acheive the infamy of previous BB bad eggs like Dirty Dick. I think he's a poof.

Sunita - the intelligent one Sunita is very intelligent, she’s a barrister, did you know? Of course you did! She mentions it every five minutes! “I cant hide in that drawer, I’m a barrister!” “I can’t talk to Jade, I’m a barrister for gods sake!” “No Alex I will not strip you naked, come on man, I’m a barrister!”. However I read on Popbitch.com that she was only chosen because she hates Jade, and if that’s not the sign of a decent person, I don’t know what is.

MARTHA WRITES:

Today the bizzarre guy had a number "7" on his shoulder. What is it with this guy? I suspect he's giving out his phone number in installments, although paranoid as I am, I fear he may be giving out mine as well. I saw some more people today. A tallish black girl who I've seen before and who I'm pretty sure will win, a very attractive blonde girl who I suspect is Sunita, another less attractive and, to be fair, less blonde girl, (who might not be less blonde at all) and a youngish guy in glasses. At work everyone talks about Big Brother and I always expect the Big Brother people to be speaking about work. I still haven't seen Spencer awake, when I do I shall hiss.

Abbie - the Irish one Abbie is one contestant who certainly wont take no for an answer, and to be honest, who would deny this unconventional beauty anything she desires? Viewers were initially surprised at her sparse selection of clothes but she quickly educated the nation with her handy hints on "going commando" and "spraying dirty clothes with air freshener". She and Spencer immediately bonded over their shared fungal diseases - athletes foot powder manufacturers are reeling with the news that the condition is the new must-have summer accessory. The shock story of the week came with the Sun's headline "TOO MANY ABBIE KISS AND TELLS TO PRINT" along with pictures of men lining the streets desperate to dish the dirt about their sexual experiences at the hands of "the ugly old pox ridden minx" as the tabloids have affectionately dubbed her. Despite the fact that Big Brother is now a one horse race with Abbie starring as the horse, excitement is mounting over the high jinx ahead in the BB house as the men begin to compete for Abbie's hand in marriage.

MARTHA WRITES:

Getting the most out of our subscription to Sky Digital we switch to E4 to see someone asleep in bed as we ponder why we're not doing the same. Then it hots up as, after ten minutes watching the chickens , who I think will win, we get a commercial break followed by the weird guy in the pool. First we see him swim, (in glasses), then he runs round like a polar bear at the zoo. He doesn't appear to be numbered today. As I prepare to leave, the pretty blonde girl is cleaning the carpet with one of those carpet sweeping things, while the pretty boy reads a muscle magazine. We get a moment of comic genius when she asks "Can these be emptied?", and he replies in his pretty David Beckham voice, "I think so but I don't know how you do it". Spencer, who I saw briefly last night looking sleepy, is still in bed.

Lynne – the boring one I’ve never come into contact with Lynne as all the people I know from Aberdeen are Welsh, from Manchester, or my uncle. Lynne wears colourful flowers in her hair because she hopes to appear “fun” and she cries over ex boyfriends when she is drunk. We can’t relate to these traits at all. Lynne also branded Spencer “cocky” and “arrogant” and he looked so crushed I nearly shed a tear. Strangely, my sister didn’t share my sympathies. It must be frustrating coming to terms with your own delusions of grandeur in front of millions of people, but at least Lynne can gain consolation in the fact that next week no-one will remember her name.

MARTHA WRITES:

The 6 o'clock news. Abbie texts me from the house secretly to announce her first success in transmitting one of her many infectious ailments, in this case Athletes Foot. Next she's going after Kate with her nits, so be prepared for scenes of them snuggling up on the sofa. Meanwhile spencer is in bed, (did he get up at all), and the pretty pair are preparing a sort of bolognese but without the ingredients.

Lee – the ‘ard un At first we didn’t like Lee – his application video seemd to imply that he did things like play rugby and beat up poofs. Now we realise that our first judgements were harsh and Lee is in fact a bit of a sweetheart, he is lacking in arrogance, his body is awe inspiring and his ego may be big, but in the BB house it’s all relative and his doesn’t even register. I like Lee.

MARTHA WRITES:

Now that we know, from his own lips, what the weird guy thinks of as runs around the pool, it has become less interesting to watch. So instead we see him with the non-pretty non-blonde one who I think will win basking in the sunshine in the garden. He plots with Mandy in Chicken Language - we like his style.

Sandy – the old one This year is Scotland’s turn to feel ashamed of its inhabitants. And unlike Wales last year, Scotland has reason to feel ashamed. Sandy is a scheming wee shit who wears kilts and in the real world gets paid 500 quid an hour to help people clothes shop. His scheming isnt interesting enough because it’s early in the game and the other contestants are too easily manipulated, so he is only alienating his viewers. That combined with pissing off all the mums who watch it (Sandy’s wife refers to his wife as “his current relationship” and he is an estranged father with two children he has never met) and ALL the scots (wearing a union jack jumper into the house was like signing your own death warrant) means that even Sandy’s exciting early morning exercise routines and his regular bollocking of the other annoying housemates wont be enough to keep him in the house for long.

MARTHA WRITES:

The flurry of votes for Mandy has suddenly made her a key player and now the pretty boy whose goatie has grown into a beard tries his hand at Chicken Language, which incidently I think will win. He begins, curiously with a few words of Japanese and then gets the clucking right. He launches into a Beckhamesque "Cock-a doodle doooo" and you realise he's talking Cock. This is only fitting since yesterday he talked Cock's two companion pieces.

Alison – the fat one The best thing about Alison is the look of sheer horror on Alex’s face when she flirts with him. Rightly so as the skinny little wretch wouldn’t stand a chance in a bed with her. She may be huge, but she is literally the life and soul of the party and she’ll last firstly because she’ll get the sympathy vote, and more importantly, the other girls will keep her in because she makes them look even prettier.

MARTHA WRITES:

Yesterday we said goodbye to the quiet Asian girl who might not be Asian at all. This selfless act does in my opinion mean that she is almost certain to win now. In the house we hear a great deal of laughing in the background but we see only the pretty boy sadly washing up.

Jonny – the aggressive one My sister loves Jonny, I reckon he has a lot of aggression bubbling inside him and I don’t like people who play the game so competitively. Another annoying factor is that I reckon he’s a fake geordie as I never met any real life ones who sit by themselves randomly repeating “waaaah aye”, then again, maybe my research is incomplete. My sister is remaining tightlipped on the issue.

MARTHA WRITES: I was right all along about the weird one with the numbers on his shirts - he's a schemer and I watched him setting up the pretty, wingey one and overwhelmed by a massive loathing.

Mandy the feathery one The bookies are delighted with the recent surge in Mandy's popularity, because with Abbie as an inmate it looked like the contest was all wrapped up. She gets on well with most of the housemates, and has formed an alliance with Sandy. Ironically, in his desperation to exert mind control over all the contestants he has inadvertently become Mandy's dedicated lackey. This girl is skilled in the art of manipulation, thats for sure. However with the recent rich/poor divide, Mandy's future has been put in jeopardy and even with Big Brother's protection, the viewers are uncertain whether the housemates can resist the temptation to kill and eat Mandy. Fingers crossed they decide to kill and eat PJ's bum instead. You know it makes sense.

MARTHA WRITES: I have a theory that those who, like me, watch live BB3 during the day and miss the highlights vote differently from those who see the Channel 4 programmes only. It's the only way to account for Alison's eviction last week over that bastard Sandy. But no-one suffers more from the highlights bias than poor Mandy the Chicken. During the day she is the star of the show, hogging the camera, constantly be brought back onscreen by a producer who loves her.

Sophie the new one I was able to form an immediate and fair judgement on Sophie's character when we watched her application video, "Hi, I'm going to tell you why you should pick me by using an anagram!". It wasn't an anagram, it was a crappy attempt at an acrostic, or maybe an acronym. Sophie is humourless, vapid and insidious yet despite this she is STILL boring to watch. I like screaming at the TV when she's on, (speaking to Kate about how skinny they both were) "Yes, but I just wish i could look in the mirror and think "You look ok", waiting for us, the kind viewers to say, what a shame that someone so beautiful inside and out has self esteem problems. I say, put on some more make up love, because god knows you need it.

MARTHA WRITES: When I first set eyes on the new girl I thought "ah .... this will be interesting .... ". Then she spoke. I think the viewers will weed out the unshaggables, then dump her. Here's my prediction for the top three: Jonny - because guys will vote for him; Spencer - because his fake fragility will see him through, (but I think his popularity will dip and he'll get less of the cross-over support from the candidates who get kicked out); and Kate - because where's the female competition?

Tim the rich one Tim is sort of chubby, and I think he looks like elvis. His greatest fear is being ugly, which is also my greatest fear. unfortunately for him, he is actually ugly! he is a viewer so he knows to avoid sophie and to latch on to alex, the others have picked up on this and now sophie has no "mates" while alex is universally worshipped. i can't say anything else, to sum up, he is boring and stupid.