Our local Spar shop, (called Londis), has embarked upon a vicious trade war against the newsies, (called Mrs Thompson's or Thompson's for short). If this was happening near you I would be keen to hear about it so I imagine you are eager to hear the full story.

When we were but twinkles in our father's overly lustful eye, (it happened twice so it can't be dismissed as a one off), the Spar, (then called the The Happy Shopper), used to sell foodstuffs, (potatoes, eggs etc), household cleaning goods, (soap, bicycle repair kits etc) and a small variety of luxury goods, (cheese, buns et al). Mrs Thompson's or Thompson's for short sold tobacco, newspapers, magazines (some with pictures of undressed ladies), sweets and pencils. Then a few years later the Spar, (by now called the Co-op), began expanding its operations introducing video rental and a Delicatessen bar where you could purchase exotic food products, (hot pies etc).

Then, a few months ago, a new guy called Mr Londis moved into the Spar, (then called Unimart), and changed the name and the look of the place. A few weeks ago he started selling cards which angered the owner of Mrs Thompson's or Thompson's for short, a nice friendly man called Mr Lewis. This week Mr Londis has started giving away free newspapers when you buy milk, so Mr Lewis has begun selling half-price milk and bread in Mrs Thompson's or Thompson's for short.

We say that someone should send them home with notes for their Mums and that their Dads should ground them till they behave sensibly.

Anyway I'll keep you updated on the conflict, in the meantime I'll explain some of the interesting things that you can get in the Spar, (called Londis).

They make pizzas there. A pizza is a Spanish pie that is very tasty. It consists of a round cake, covered in cheese. At the pizza counter they are loads of little containers which hold toppings, ('topping' is Spanish for flavour). For free you can have two toppings on your pizza but if you want a third it will cost you more. The selected toppings are put on the cheesy cake and it is warmed up. My favourite pizzas are Pepperoni Pizza and the less alliterative, though no less wholesome, Hawaiian Pizza.

There is a photocopier there. A photocopier is a machine that takes pictures of things at 10p a time. It is really handy if you print a letter off your computer and want to keep a copy you can run over to the Spar and get a picture of it. Abbie has used the machine twice, once to take a picture of her substantial bottom as part of a haemorrhoid bet and once to take a picture of her "Conditions of Bail" sheet.

They also sell croissants, (pronounced "crois-sants"). These are Spanish doughnuts that are the most boring and useless foodstuff ever. Be warned - there is no jam inside - they are completely bland and tasteless. We have them all the time, but to give them some personality I dip them in some of Abbie's delicious home-made jam, (pronounced "gra-vy"), and she dips her's in gin.

The alcohol section has a good range of ciders on offer, (i.e. both 'White' and 'Strong'), and on Tuesdays is a good spot for picking up sailors. You can also buy Guinness which is a black cider that turns you into a really good swimmer, but gives you bad dreams about trying to look at funny things through a hole at the top of a very high wall. There is also a good selection of wines on sale, (i.e. both fine British and cheap foreign junk). It is here incidently that Abbie buys the 20/20 medication that her doctor has her take each morning.

You can now buy hot chickens in a bag at the Spar, (called Londis). These are just like regular chickens, (a type of duck), with three exceptions: i) they are dead, ii) they are hot, and iii) they are in a bag. Thanks to these Abbie no longer has to kill chickens in the bedroom on Sunday morning and warm them up by throwing them on the fire before putting them in the bags I use to dispose of my incontinence pads. Sunday lunch is now far more convenient to prepare and is safer as Abbie was prone to put the warmed up chicken in a bag that already contained a used incontinence pad. Nevertheless, local pet owners are complaining because she now spends her Sundays killing cats.

It's Sunday morning and they're fighting it out with signs. We've never seen so many signs - Free This, Free That, Half Price Something Else. Gasp! It's breath-taking. Mr Lewis has even resorted to emotional blackmail of the slickest kind. Above the door of Mrs Thompson's or Thompson's for short a neon light now blazes day and night. It reads:

It can be said that although a person with no language would have no way of expanding their thought processes as he or she would never have anyway of learning, his or her thought processes would be as complex as any other human beings, as the language of thought, including images and feelings would exist in them as in any other ordinary human being.

Ouch!

Abbie has long campaigned on behalf of local producers, a result of her long and often seedy association with the local Young Farmers group. Mr Londis has now acknowledged this and has set up a section of the Spar, (called Londis), dedicated to Local Produce. Here you can buy local produce from all over the world - oranges grown locally in Israel, tomatoes grown locally in Italy, frozen chips grown locally in Brazil etc. My favourite local produce are the extra large corguettes grown locally in France, which are not only tasty and wholesome, but provide a few delightful moments of distraction while Abbie hogs the television watching Big Brother. Abbie preferes the Chinese Meals for Two grown locally in Croatia as these give me the shits.