The Roast

My original review for this episode called it the worst ever. Having watched it again today I have to say that, although it's not quite as bad as I thought it was, I still think it's the worst episode I've ever seen. There are clearly a lot of in jokes which Americans might get but the only decent line is Jesse's "Why didn't they give you a certificate?" There are a couple of attempts at clever subtlety which are laboured and clumsy like the "All comics have a dark side" exchange between Mark and one of the comics and the show biz niece getting a nose job for her 16th birthday.

The plot is appalling. The lights go off and when they come back on a guy has a knife in his back. Come on!!! The evidence is ridiculous. The killer attempts to destroy the photographs of three girls by burning them and flushing the ashes down the toilet, the three pieces that don't burn are fragments of the girls' faces! Mark catches the killer using a baseball glove.

Here's the really bad bit. One of the victims has arranged to meet a reporter after the roast. Jesse sees the fragments of photographs and checks a gossip site on the Internet where he learns that an unnamed comic is involved with young girls. It is assumed that the meeting with the reporter was arranged to supply her with the name of the comic, who then killed him to shut him up. There is no proof that the meeting would have anything to do with the paedophile or that the killer was the paedophile. In fact the only evidence against him at all is that he is ambidextrous. Nevertheless he is dragged away in chains.

Then there's the acting of the guest stars .... When the second victim dies his widow mourns and you wish the killer had got her as well.

Sleeping Murder

Dick Van Dyke's brother Jerry plays Mark's brother Stacey in this episode. While a patient at Community General Stacey sleepwalks each night constantly hassling a bemused priest. When a fellow patient is killed, Mark fears he may have committed the act. There is a good plot, the killer is neatly disguised and a case of mistaken identity all add to a decent story, but it's not a personal favourite of mine by a long way.

Bringing Up Barbie

An episode with no murder, indeed with no-one dying. An old friend of Steve's is hiding from ne'er-do-wells and gets Mark to look after his vivacious teenage daughter Barbie, (played by vivacious teenage starlet Morgan Nagler). The local hoods hold Barbie hostage, but are foiled by Mark and Steve.

If you're a Diagnosis Murder fan then you have to be prepared to suspend your disbelief a little more than a well-balanced person, but this show stretches it to the limit.

Murder At Midterm

The central plot of this episode, an attractive nurse is slain by a student in the middle of their exams, is truly scary. This is one of the brightest episodes in the generally disappointing series 7, with all four leads on top form. The opening is electric with Mark's faked burst appendix chased off screen by Madison's arrest for drug trafficking. Here's the plot. Brilliant, but two-timing student Quinn Montgomery, (played by brilliant, but two-timing Method actor Montgomery Clift), knocks off knocked-up nurse Holly Harris, (played by knocked-up disaster movie stalwart Shelley Winters), in order to marry the rich, beautiful socialite Jennifer Warner, (played by rich, beautiful screen legend Elizabeth Taylor). A superb script that gives us a clever killer who is a worthy opponent for Mark is well played by all involved. The murder weapon is a bowl of soup and Mark catches him using a till receipt. Not to be missed.

The Flame

When a man is found dead in his garage, all the evidence points to the husband of a respectable former girlfriend of Mark's Lydia Parkinson, (played by respectable former actress Michelle Phillips). As Mark uncovers the incriminating evidence he faces accusations of trying to get the husband out of the way in an effort to win Lydia back. Meanwhile both Jesse and Steve become embroiled in hot and steamy romances, (coffee in the park etc.), with a scantily dressed, two-timing blonde Betsy, (played by scantily dressed, two-timing starlet Rebecca Staab).

The Killer Within

This is one of the better episodes from series 7. A young medical student enters Community General's famous Rehab clinic. Inside a fellow patient dies and although each of the patients could be responsible, the evidence points to her. Mark sets out to clear her name. Apart from one preposterous scene where the killer cons the young woman into writing a suicide note, the story works well and there are a couple of delightful scenes between Mark and the killer.

Gangland

Only Diagnosis Murder could get away with a plot like this. A gangster is released from prison who is the exact double of Mark - same haircut, same moustache, same voice, same accent. The unaccredited actor who plays him does a terrific job. The owner of a horse ride stand gets murdered, Mark is mistaken for the gangster and the gangster is mistaken for Mark. There is a wonderful touch in this episode: the gangster is an all round bad egg until, while impersonating Mark, he speaks to a patient. This experience of being Mark Sloan for a few minutes changes him into a loving father. If only he could have impersonated Mark a few years earlier, he could have taken over Mother Theresa's work when she died. I'm making fun of course, this is a very enjoyable two-parter.

This episode is memorable for the fact that we learn there is actually something Mark is bad at - he can't play golf!

TRIVIA NOTE: The mob chief's daughter is played by Susan Gibney, who we all know as Steve's former lover Tanis Archer.

The Mouth That Roared

When I read the synopsis for this show I remembered seeing it. I remember Jesse's Mum and I remember the basic plot about a radio host looking for her birth mother. But that's all I can remember.

This show is memorable for being the least memorable show of all-time.

Above is my original review of the show. Today I saw it once again and I can elaborate a bit. This isn't actually such a bad episode, though it's far from a classic. The basic plot has fast-talking radio host Denise Steiner, (played by fast talking radio star Christine Tucci), launching a well-publicised search for her natural mother, telling Donny and Marie Osmond, the famous husband and wife snake charming act, that if her mother wanted nothing to do with her then she would kill her. She visits the home of a woman who convinces her that she's her mother by making her a cup of tea and telling her to clean her room. On a later visit she finds the woman dead and is arrested. Mark gets her off the hook.

The theme of motherhood runs through this show, (I love it when Diagnosis Murder does that). Apart from Denise looking for her mum, the killer's motive is that he blames the woman for the death of his mother and we get to meet Jesse's pompous, overbearing mum, (played by real-life pompous, overbearing mum Kathleen Noone). Having previously met Jesse's dad, we get a clear idea here why he walked out on the family. Jesse actually has a strange show. He starts off brilliantly as he chooses a jacket and introduces his mum to the team. Then he drifts off into lip-chewing mode as he ponders whether or not to leave Community General. Then, just as you're about to write this off as a bad Jesse day he has a storming finish with two superb impersonations. The trapping of the killer has one brilliant touch - the man who makes his living doing funny voices getting trapped by someone doing a funny voice. The real star of this episode is the nosey neighbour. Her scene with Steve as she gives a description of Denise is a classic DM moment.

The Seven Deadly Sins

Mark takes on a sophisticated, English jewel thief Vanessa Sellars, (played by sophisticated, American superstar Stephanie Zimbalist). The Seven Deadly Sins refer to a set of diamonds which Ms Sellars is out to obtain. The plot borrows heavily from The Maltese Falcon and is pretty so-so until a great finale at an auction, (to raise funds for Community General of course). Ms Sellars, who is not the killer, is the only criminal in Diagnosis Murder that I've seen get away.

Santa Claude

This Christmas edition has the guy who looks after the plants at Community General, jovial Claude Campbell, (played by jovial star Leon Russom), being revealed as an escaped convict. Although the Diagnosis Murder team prove his innocence, the US Marshall sent to arrest Claude, (who is terminally ill), remains determined to take him back in chains. As it's Christmas, Mark deliberately poisons the Marshall and aids an escaped felon flee the country. There is also a subplot involving Mark trying to recruit members for a barbershop quartet as Community General's own barbershop quartet are touring Germany, (presumably supporting Rammstein).

This episode is remarkable for the fact that Steve actually solves the case, thus proving the infinite monkeys theory. It also highlights the shortcomings in Community General's recruitment policy. Although Claude is innocent, he was officially a fugitive from justice when employed by the hospital and he is not alone. True, the proportion of nurses who are ruthless murderers at the hospital is lower than the average of 28% that exists in real life hospitals, but the number of doctors, IT guys, janitors etc. is astonishing - and what DO they teach the medical students????

Man Overboard

Mark, Jesse and Amanda fill in as the medical officers on a cruise ship. When a highly disagreeable man dies it appears to be a tragic accident, but Mark suspects murder. Nobly, Jesse befriends one of the dead man's daughters and Steve comes in and makes a move on the other. Mark goes after the dead man's wife with less amorous intentions. Bryn Thayer makes a great baddie, but sadly it's yet another episode where Mark traps the killer by being *killed*. Nevertheless the cast keep it interesting. The killer is a nurse! (Yippee!!!).

Frontier Dad

Another show written by Barry, set on a TV set. Barry has fun making fun of Steve and we're treated to a plethora of Van Dyke family in-jokes and slapstick humour. There's no plot to speak of, Mark's discovery of the vital clue borders on the miraculous and the denouement is appalling. Steve's final scene is nicely done and Jesse, (employed as set doctor AND Cowpoke No. 4), has a good show, whereas poor Amanda get wrapped up in a slushy subplot with her two boys.

Too Many Cooks

In yet another fund raising venture, the staff at Community General are to appear on a TV cook off special. Amanda's current beau, the devilishly handsome Rene Fotenaux, (played by devilishly handsome Julian Stone), is one of the cooks involved. When he is murdered it is revealed that Amanda is merely one in a long line of former lovers.

Murder By Remote

A look into the cut-throat world of computerised home security. The beautiful daughter of a wealthy man, (she is of course a good friend of Jesse's), is killed when the computerised system which controls many of the functions in her home malfunctions. This episode is one the most contrived ever and it really struggles to keep going. The killer is killing the children of a group of people all except one of whom have these systems in their homes. The exception is Mark, but by a cruel twist of fate Steve chooses this moment to leave the beach house and get a place of his own.

Teacher's Pet

In the hugely disappointing Series 7, this near-classic stands out almost like a masterpiece. An episode which has it all, classic Diagnosis Murder silliness, brilliant one-liners, an anti-agist subplot, great twist and a main character, (Jesse), in the throes of a great moral dilemma.

The plot is simple enough. A young medical student finds that his wife, a fellow if more curvaceous medical student Jill Hoving, (played by his real-life fellow if more curvaceous medical student Brigid Brannagh), his having an affair with a respected, but philandering cardiologist Jordan Alsop, (played by faithful, but unrespected actor Larry Sullivan Jr). After he confronts her at the beach house, (they are housesitting), she kills him and fakes a robbery. What seems like an open and shut case twists and turns in a wonderful courtroom finale as Mark catches her using a 14 year old boy.

The silliness is quite splendid, an example when Mark and Steve find the body it is Steve, the cop, and not Mark, the doctor, who checks to see if he's dead. Elsewhere Steve actually gets to play a police officer for once and is the one who, over Mark's initial protests, gets to point the finger at the guilty party. The episode is peppered with marvellous little vignettes, two examples: Mark and Steve do a great washing up scene, (honestly); and a brilliant scene on the porch with Steve and Jesse making up which ends with Amanda saying "You guys are such guys". The subplot is minimal but effective and sets up a wonderful close to the show. And then there's poor Jesse. Throughout the episode he stands by Jill, a close personal friend and yet at the end it is he who is called upon to set up her conviction.

The Unluckiest Bachelor In LA

Steve ends up on a special edition of a Blind Date type TV show. He is selected by his co-contestant and takes her out on a hot and steamy date, (i.e. a walk in the park). Although Steve is the unluckiest bachelor in LA, he fares better than she does because she is promptly killed. Steve actually cracks this case when he concludes that a suspect is not black. There is a great medical moment here with an operation performed without masks or caps in a theatre right off the main corridor. There's also a nice little touch at the end involving a self-taught pilot.

A Resting Place

A look into the cut-throat world of retirement homes. An ex-cop calls Steve from the retirement home where he lives claiming to have found evidence in some old case and is promptly murdered. When his probable killer is also found dead Mark goes into the home undercover and solves the crime using a garbage strike. Mark performs the Sloan Procedure in the home and the caring nurse gets left a Picasso and uses it to buy the home from its neglectful owners.

Murder At B-B-Q Bobs

This story just sort of drifts along with nowhere to go. A marine is killed in B-B-Q Bobs and Steve teams up with a female naval investigator to track down the killer. Episodes with Steve teaming up with a woman are usually worth watching but this is an exception.

Two Birds With One Sloan

A plot with elements borrowed from the film Quiz Show. A wheelchair bound contestant on a quiz show dies apparently of an asthma attack, but suspecting foul play Mark goes on the programme to investigate. In a surprising development it turns out that Mark is quite good at quiz shows and not only puts the killer on Death Row, (using a handkerchief), but wins a huge amount of money, which of course he gives to charity.

A personal note here. Reviewing the tapes of old shows a question is unanswered. The question is "Which actor named himself after an actress who named herself after an comedian?" The producer notes that no-one ever did get that one and Mark promptly comes up with the answer - Michael Keaton. I knew it and only my dog was there to prove it.

Swan Song

A no murder, no crime episode revolving around a famous jazz singer Danielle Marsh, (played by equally famous jazz singer Helen Reddy), and her struggle against what might be Alzheimer's Disease. The story is kept going by a clever mystery element and Dick Van Dyke gives a good honest performance as a doctor and old friend of Ms Marsh that could easily have become sugary. An episode for grownups, with few laughs and very few surreal or silly moments, this is a show you'll like or really hate.

Out Of The Past

This is a clever two-parter that ended the disappointing 7th series. Each episode is in effect a different story. In the first Alex does rude things in Mark's house with an old friend who may be up to no good. Throughout this programme a character known to have had plastic surgery appears first stalking, then befriending Madison. At the very end of Part One we see this man, (played by sweet John Schneider), kill the plastic surgeon. The second part reveals the reason for his interest in Madison. We like John Schneider who was our driver in the 1970s, and who we still have over for the weekend occasionally. There is a subplot involving a novel which appears to portray the staff of Community General which Jesse is suspected of as the author.

Death By Design

The first plot twist in this episode comes in the pre-credit sequence and they just keep coming all through the programme. A great story which piles double cross upon double cross, with the Chandleresque touch of identity switching, this almost ranks up alongside the all-time classics like Obsession and Voices Carry.

This show is memorable for the fact that one of the victims gets posted to Egypt.

Blind Man's Bluff

A guy's having an affair and is about to leave his wife. They are involved in a car crash and she is left blind. He is later murdered and it can't be her because she's blind, or is she......? It's up to Mark to find out. A pretty run-of-the-mill episode notable for two things: the killer is a nurse, (which we like) and the wife is played by the sultry Stephanie Niznak famous for three things : a) she has a name that makes us giggle after a few sherries; b) she played Caitlin Sweeney in the Obsession/Resurrection shows; and c) she played a giant, telepathic slug who impersonates a poem in Enterprise. We like Steph and often have her round for tea. Mark traps her by using her impeccable dress sense.

Sleight-of-Hand

When a hospital janitor and amateur magician is found drowned Mark is devastated. The quiet, unassuming Jim Briggs, (played by quiet, unassuming hunk Nick Chinlund), was a personal friend of Mark's and helped teach Mark many tricks. Then Jim's brasher, more extrovert identical twin brother Jeff, (played by Nick's real-life brasher, more extrovert identical twin brother), appears and Mark becomes suspicious that the dead man may be Jeff. The investigation is in two parts. The first is to establish the true identity of the dead man. At first it appears to be that of Jim because he's wearing Jim's Magic Circle medallion. Then he is asked for a new set of prints and Jeff's love-hungry wife Dina, (played by love-hungry starlet Annie Fitzgerald), confesses that he is indeed Jim and she has fallen in love with him. However without proof of a crime he cannot be arrested. The second phase of the investigation is to discover whether Jeff's death was an accident or was there foul play?

This episode has a fond place in our hearts because we solved it long before Mark. As soon as we heard Jim say that he first learned of his brother's death two days after it occurred we both screamed excitedly "THE MEDALLION!!!" Indeed Abbie was so excited that her tea cup slipped from her twisted, mangled arthritic fingers, scalding the hand of sweet Charlie Schlatter who was treating an infection to her recent nipple piercing at that very moment, and I screamed so loudly that I created a quantum singularity in the space-time continuum which meant that the scald mark on Charlie's hand is visible in 'Murder My Suite', an episode filmed 18 months earlier, where it was written into the script as a rash. There is an extremely careless piece of scriptwriting here : the killer is a twin, (which we like), but so is the victim, (which we're less keen on).

TRIVIA NOTE: The actors who play Jim and Jeff Briggs are in the Guinness Book of Records as the most identical twins ever. Indeed they are so identical that they even have the same first name, Nick.

By Reason Of Insanity

George a once brilliant medical student, now a homeless schizophrenic, (played by once brilliant, now homeless matinée idol Peter Gregory), is accused of murder and Mark has to unlock his apparently meaningless gibberish to find the real killer. Luckily crossword pro Jesse is on hand to assist and Steve is around to perform the 'Sloan Procedure', (a tracheotomy using a pocket knife and a ball-point pen).

This show has a great ending. The killer's wife is a witness to the crime but will not speak up because she wants to shield her son. After the killer commits suicide, she remains the only hope for the hapless schizophrenic, Mark concentrates on trying change her mind.

The Patient Detective

This episode begins with a car chase, resulting in Barry ending up as a patient in Community General. While heavily sedated he witnesses a murder, and the team track down the killer. Jesse suspects a fellow doctor is the bad egg, embarking on a killing spree to cover up some dodgy research results. This is an okay episode with a bit of a twist in the tale and a motive for murder remarkably similar to 'Alienated'.

The Cradle Will Rock

A nurse who is a killer, (which we like), and is having an affair with a young ne'er-do-well, (which we like even more), is caught by Mark using a bracelet. One of two episodes we've seen so far where Mark deliberately poisons someone. (Find a good book on ethics Dr Sloan).

Hot House

Alex is appearing in a Big Brother-like show called Hot House. When a cast member dies it appears to be suicide, but Alex is suspicious and convinces Mark to go undercover to investigate.

This is one of the episodes made without Jesse and it cries out for him to be the Hot House participant instead of Alex. The result is a rather disappointing episode.

All Dressed Up And Nowhere To Die

A groom is blown up at his wedding just like Abbie's first husband and a beautiful, sultry model, (played by beautiful, sultry Ellina McCormick), takes some bad ecstasy and is saved by Jesse. Later an explosives expert and chief suspect is blown up in his shed just like Abbie's second husband and the beautiful model seduces Jesse. Jesse learns that she is the daughter of Russian Mafia boss Mike the Mechanic and both murder victims are ex- boyfriends of her's. He confronts her with this: "Stanley and Tommy were both your boyfriends", "Oh Jesse! You're jealous", "No I'm scared". Mark solves this crime using the Siege of Leningrad in World War II.

In this episode Steve demonstrates why he is TV's top detective. First he suspects Mike the Mechanic and arrests him, thus clearing his name, then when the real killer tries to confess he throws them out of the police station.

Confession

A rehash of Hitchcock's 'I Confess', a priest who is the only witness to a murder is unable to reveal the killer because of the sanctity of the confessional and promptly becomes the chief suspect. Mark solves the case with a rabbit.

When you're as bad at your job as I am you get ample opportunity to witness the different ways that people respond to bereavement. This is the first time I have ever seen the grieving widow dealing with her loss by trying to go to bed with the local priest

Playing God

This episode begins with Mark riding his scooter through the hospital and ends with him chasing it. In between there is a story that cleverly mixes Flatliners with Leopold and Loeb. This episode is notable for two things: it has absolutely the worst medical bloopers we have ever seen and Mark utters a great line, "My son is the real detective in the family". Yeah right. No Jesse, no Amanda.

Less Than Zero

Every now and then an episode of Diagnosis Murder concentrates on a social or health problem, (as in 'First Do No Harm' and 'Swan Song'). These episodes tend to be overly preachy and the stories are generally weak. This episode, dealing with weight and eating disorders, is an exception as Mark and Co track down the killer while taking pot shots at over-dieting, bulimia, anorexia and obesity. An intriguingly named, waiflike starlet Thalia Rose Lawn, (played by real life intriguingly named, waiflike starlet Jenifer Gareis), drops dead and at first Mark suspects her sleazy quack nutritionist may be guilty of incompetence. When evidence shows that she was murdered and the doctor's steamy wife Claire, (played by steamy beauty Michelle René Thomas), is found shredding evidence the finger is pointed at the doctor as the likely suspect. Although sleazy, the doctor is a personal friend of Jesse's who is determined to clear his friend's name, a task achieved by Steve when he arrests him.

This is a great little story with a neat ending that carries an important message and is nicely finished off by giving Steve a plump girlfriend who he takes on a hot and steamy date, (i.e. a picnic in the park).

Sins Of The Father

This two-parter is outstanding. When a woman is killed in front of Mark, he and Steve uncover a connection to a case of Mark's father 50 years earlier and discover the truth behind his father's disappearance. Jesse makes a few brief appearances in part one, I can't remember if Amanda does but neither are in part two. Normally this would put us off, but Barry Van Dyke gives us one of his best performances and Dick is truly moving as he struggles with the painful memory of his father's desertion.

Two highlights: Mark confronts a suspect over a game of chess in a scene of genuine tension, which ends with Mark resigning brilliantly. The other comes halfway through part two. The murdered girl's sister tells Steve that she sees something between him and Cheryl and Steve begins looking at his partner in a different way. Barry and Charmin Lee gives us a great scene where they go all soppy over each other.
"Ever think of taking this to another level?"
"What level are you thinking of?"
"What level were you thinking of?"

Anyone looking for trademark bloopers and silly moments will be disappointed, and Steve and Cheryl actually do the bulk of the detective work, although this episode does have one of the most bizarre lines of any episode - "She played tennis like she had two left feet".

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

You Bet Your Life

A look into the cut-throat world of gambling, this episode starts slowly then gradually fizzles out. A cardiologist who is also a compulsive gambler kills his bookie, then turns up dead. There is no twist, no suspense, no Jesse and no sense of fun. Amanda appears twice as a Medical Examiner. There is the ludicrous suggestion that Alex has a gambling problem that he is struggling to overcome, (come on you guys at DM, we watch this show everyday - we know these people!). The highlight of the show comes right at the end in a great little scene between Mark and the cardiologist's widow.

Once again Mark says "My son's the real sleuth in the family".

Bachelor Fathers

This is the source of much controversy in the house, with my older gin-soaked sister regarding it as a classic and me seeing it as a pretty ordinary episode. If you read the note at the beginning of this page, you'll know how the purple accolade of ALC is awarded and I assure you that not even my sister is capable of enough emotional blackmail to change my mind on this one.

A wealthy, yet distraught ex-girlfriend of Jesse's Grace, (played by wealthy, yet distraught starlet Leah Lail), dumps a baby on Jesse claiming that he's the father after the baby is threatened by hoods. She has the worst sister in the world, the spendthrift Maureen, (played by the worst co-star in the world, the miserly Amanda Wyss), who owes some Louisiana ne'er-do-wells $460,000. Meanwhile Jesse, who at first denies paternity, learns to love the baby, at first accepting the possibility that he's the father and eventually becomes convinced that he is.

This episode has its highlights, Jesse's early insistence on, and later reluctance for, a DNA test is nicely done and when I saw Mark, Steve and Jesse about to change a nappy I thought "three men and a baby!" and cringed, but luckily the joke was relatively brief and they got on with the story. There is also a nice cameo from a giant teddy who takes a bullet for Jesse.

So what have I got against this episode? Mainly it's the fact that its all so predictable. We are told the two sisters are ex-nurses who each inherited $500,000 and when the body disappears we already know the scam, the only mystery is where does the nurse bit come in. Then there's the fact that Grace who has this half million inheritance, lives in an ordinary flat, (I know she says that the money's for her son's school, but it doesn't cost half a million to put a student through college, unless they have a credit card). Then there's the baby-snatch. My all-time most annoying part on Diagnosis Murder. Mark Sloan believes that there's one bad guy out there - a man. He hears a female voice call the Code Blue which is the distraction for the kidnap. No-one admits to calling the Code Blue. The idea that the Cajun guy might have a female accomplice never enters his head. It's not that this is unrealistic, it's that it's un-Diagnosis Murder.

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Being Of Sound Mind

You don't have to be mad to watch Diagnosis Murder, but it helps. Somehow this manages to be a nice little episode. I say "somehow" because it has all the hallmarks of a disappointment: a daft premise, a trap which involves the fake, (near), death of one of the leads and ends like An Education In Murder with a cornea-transplant patient having the bandages taken off. On top of that you know at the will reading scene that the next significant character to make an appearance will be the killer and you're not disappointed. So what saves it? It's just well written, well directed and above all well played.

Here's the plot: a dying misanthropic eccentric Oscar Hemmings, (played by healthy benevolent veteran Ralph Driscoll), picks 6 strangers at random, including Amanda and Jesse, and declares that the last one alive will inherit his fortune. One by one the six begin to die. Mark Harelik plays an annoying doctor and does it so well that you're actually pleased when he gets killed. Jesse has an atrocious bit of luck when, moments after putting him on a promise, the vivacious tattooed nurse Belinda, (played by vivacious tattooed starlet Jamie Anderson), is promptly killed, though it might be argued that it was hardly her lucky day either. A special mention to Dion Anderson who gives a superbly restrained performance as a caring husband. There is a confusing mini subplot involving a woman helping a distraught friend resolve her debt problems.

There are some wonderful moments in this show the best of which is when Mark talks about a mystery seventh person lurking in the shadows while the mystery seventh person literally lurks in the shadows beside him.

TRIVIA NOTE 1: The actress who plays Sally the Nurse is very pretty.

TRIVIA NOTE 2: Since seeing this show I have spoken to a legal eagle with whom I have a casual acquaintance, (having once had a womb-share scheme going with her), and she informs me that the Tontine legacy is slightly different to what is portrayed here and has been illegal in England and Wales, and the USA, for over a century.

Abbie writes:

The subplot featuring the helpful friend appeared confusing to my laudanum-loving baby sister because it occurred during the commercial break.

Dance Of Danger

The one where Steve goes undercover as a young, attractive, blonde woman. I like this episode. This look into the cut-throat world of positive life energy movements teams Steve with an eccentrically paranoid reporter Ellen Sharp, (played by eccentrically paranoid beauty Kim Quinn), and opens with a murder on the dance floor of LA's hottest night club. The bit where the victim is stabbed in the back is reminiscent of, (i.e. ripped off from), a similar scene in Airplane.

Steve and Ellen don't have the same sexual chemistry as he had with Shelby in Trapped In Paradise, but the pairing works well with some wonderful exchanges : ("You want to lead them straight to me?" - "What do you mean, we're in your own home"). The motive is to cover up a film star's homosexual affair with the cult leader, which is quite controversial for the show.

TRIVIA NOTE 1: The wild, night life of LA, isn't as wild as it's cracked up to be. The club at the beginning of this episode resembled a school dance with everyone of Thorazine.

TRIVIA NOTE 2: That inconsiderate moron who leaves his mobile phone on at the cinema is Mark Sloan.

The Red's Shoes

This look into the cut-throat world of International ballet is one of the most perplexing episodes ever. The good bits are astonishing, but are glittering islands in a sea of dross. The plot revolves around the murder of one Chinese ballet star and the attempted defection of a second. Amanda appears to be on Thorazine as she aids and then attempts to marry the defector. There is a great scene with Mark struggling with chop sticks, (another inability!), and when the defector says "Whenever I think of paradise I will think of this small room", the small room in question is the morgue. When Amanda finds herself in a motel room with the killer you think you're in for a grandstand finish, but then it just fizzles out. The good bits save it from being a truly bad show, but on the whole it's ...... well weird. Co-written by Victoria Rowell.

TRIVIA NOTE : Diagnosis Murder is not shy to borrow scenes from other productions, but to my knowledge the romantic candlelit dinner in the morgue in this episode is original.

No Good Deed

This atypical episode is a straight detective story with a strong supporting cast and it's brilliant. The plot revolves around a lawyer who, believing that he's dying, confesses to a murder, but denies it when he recovers. First Mark and Steve need to find out who's been killed, then they have to pin it on the lawyer. For red herrings we get Diagnosis Murder trademarks: the lawyer's deserted but forgiving wife, a doctor we haven't seen before, a coffee bar receipt that could place the lawyer near the scene.

What really makes this episode so outstanding is that there's practically no cheating. The clues that lead Mark to conclude that he had been somewhere where it had been snowing are perhaps a little suspect, but quite plausible. That aside the investigation is conducted by the police, (Steve and a superb local sheriff), using solid police tools. Julius Carry is great as the lawyer and is so morally ambivalent that you have no idea whether his final plea is sincere or a piece of calculated cynicism.

Diagnosis Murder was far, far more than a detective series, (thank goodness), but this episode shows that when they wanted to, they could compete with the best.

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Deadly Mirage

A two part episode which, like Out Of The Past, is really two episodes with a little bit of Part Two shown in Part One. The first half is a delight with Steve meeting mysterious beauty Abby Chadwick, (played by real-life mysterious beauty Challen Cates), who is a lookalike of a former girlfriend, (see The Unluckiest Bachelor In LA). So alike is she that one suspects they may be related, a fact disproved by Steve when he discovers evidence showing her to be a long lost twin. Steve is besotted with the sultry beauty initially wooing her by taking her to a Japanese restaurant which he confesses is not one of the top ten hot spots in LA, (i.e. the park, BBQ Bob's, the club in Dance Of Death etc). He later takes her on three dates which are truly hot and also steamy. On the first, (at BBQ Bob's), he gives her a leather coat which Jesse is very fond of. On the second, (a walk in the park), they have a blazing row and on the third, (another walk in the park), he has her arrested. I've had dates like that myself. Mark catches her using an anklet.

In the second part, Mark is off sick with a broken leg and investigates his neighbour who we were introduced to in Part One. He is assisted by an annoying, incompetent nurse Sudie, (played by delightful Oscar winner Cloris Leachman). A chance to hear Dick Van Dyke sing a duet with his wife make this episode truly memorable.

The Blair Nurse Project

This, the last ever Diagnosis Murder, is based on a truly scary premise, (i.e. the murder of a pretty blonde nurse), and was written by Carey and Barry Van Dyke and directed by Baz himself. There is no Jesse and Steve and Amanda's roles are reduced to walk-ons as Carey and the Van Dyke children take over in a Scoobie inspired tale of the ghost of the murdered nurse. More of a tea time teen drama than daytime classic this episode has the corniest killer ever who is eventually caught by Mark using chewing gum, (but only after Craig the film director does). Apart from the glorious concept that Mark has been hiding the body of a murder victim in his office for 25 years this is a totally uninspired piece of nonsense.