Vanishing Act

This is the only episode that I've seen from the Scott Baio era so I don't know how typical it is. This two-parter has a great plot, with Steve being framed for the murder of sleazy, corrupt Internal Affairs Officer Lloyd Schroeder, (played by sleazy, corrupt star Dennis Lipcomb). Mark's initial investigation focuses on four corrupt cops. Meanwhile Jack tracks down an old friend turned mobster Tommy Raffatti, (played by Scott Baio's real-life old friend turned actor Boyd Kestner) and his ex-girlfriend the sultry, if mentally challenged Josie, (played by sultry, mentally alert superstarlet Kristen Kloke). The team uncover a plot by Tommy and the cops to kidnap Tommy's boss. Jack begs Josie to leave the scheming, double crossing Tommy, but she refuses as she is carry his scheming, double crossing child. The story sets up a really predictable ending that you see from miles away and then delivers a great twist at the end.

This episode differs from the Jessie era shows in two ways. First Scott does a lot more investigating than Jessie ever would and is a far more earthy character. The second difference is that Delores and Norman exclusively handle the comedy, (in a subplot involving a nurses strike) and Jack and Steve handle the drama, with Mark bridging the two groups; (Amanda does not appear despite appearing with curly hair in the opening credits). The delightful lack of realism is there however. On the door to the cafeteria there is a sign saying 'Cafeteria', but being Community General it's on the inside so you see it as you leave! If this is typical of the early series then I look forward to seeing more.

In this episode we learn that Community General is part-funded by the mob.

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Witness to Murder

A young girl is found at a murder scene armed with a shotgun. The girl, who is unable to speak shows clear signs of abuse and will respond only to Mark. A mysterious young man appears to be taking an unhealthy interest in her and the girl's mother is brought into the hospital unconscious.

A so-so episode which might rate as a non-murder Diagnosis Murder, it is memorable for an outrageous solution. Mark gets the little girl to draw pictures of herself and her family. Jesse, (obviously), notices that one of the characters is always drawn with three stars about his head, from this Mark deduces the whereabouts of the mysterious young man.

All American Murder

I love this episode, although I suspect my coiffure-obsessed sister loves it more, (it's the one where Amanda has two hair-dos). Steve teams up with Amanda, a blond intern Jesse, even blonder son Steve and a blind, yet amorous angler called Leo, (played by himself), to investigate the murder of a young beauty found dead on the beach. There is very little that can be said of this episode without giving away the plot, but here are two points. First we have a very un-Diagnosis Murder opening, about five minutes long and without a word of dialogue, (apart from "pick up the phone" from the answering machine). with the net curtains wafting in the breeze and its eerie, dreamlike pace it is reminiscent of the film entered into the Springfield Film Festival by Barney. The second is that the comedy is fairly slapstick, but is done with such grace by Dick Van Dyke that you're constantly reminded of what a gifted all-rounder he is.

TRIVIA NOTE: In 1992 Charlie Schlatter played in a TV movie called All American Murder played a guy called Artie Logan, (what a funny name).

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Murder On The Run

This great little two-parter is a look into the cut-throat world of fitness video production which shamelessly plunders The Fugitive. In this episode Mark gets to break the law by harbouring an escaped felon, performs a variation of the Sloan Procedure as he performs a chest drain using a ball-point pen, stethoscope tube and a pop bottle, and he and the team get to sit down and watch a porn movie. Oh yes, and they are assisted by a voodoo priestess. (Honest).

A man convicted of murdering his wife escapes and takes Mark hostage. Mark becomes convinced that the man is innocent and sets out to clear his name. Jesse is great as he tracks down the kidnapped Mark and then goes undercover at the fitness club which is a front for a brothel and Amanda goes undercover at a video production company. A great episode with all four leads being used to the full in a story that keeps buzzing along and even has time for a nice little comic subplot involving Norman and the aforementioned priestess.

Murder By The Book

The daughter of an old friend of Mark's co-writes a tacky bestseller and when the three co-authors are threatened Mark is called in to investigate. This is a pretty so-so episode which should be memorable for the guest appearance from a pre-Borg Jeri Ryan, but is instead memorable for its content. This is hardcore Diagnosis Murder - the victims are prostitutes, they are threatened with a note that calls them "sluts", Norman is described as a pervert and Jesse is asked "What was it like shagging aliens?". Worst of all is the murder scene with the dead girl lying naked in the bath with a plastic bag over her head. This is not your typical daytime TV episode. The subplot involves Amanda's discovery that she is not legally married and her struggle to contact her 'husband'. Victoria Rowel's performance here is spot on, almost but not quite going over the top. A great guest performance by the brilliant Troy Evans.

Left Handed Murder

The second killing of a polygamist that I've seen on Diagnosis Murder, this is a brilliant episode directed with flair by TNG's Jonathan Frakes. The leads all give their all and the guest stars handle their one-dimensional characters superbly. The comic highlight is sophisticated widow Bea Michaels, (played by sophisticated star Christine Pickles), having been fingerprinted by Steve, pouring her heart out about her dead husband with a Charlie Chaplin moustache.

Murder Can Be Contagious

Brilliant! Like the superb Murder On The Hour we have a race against the clock as Jesse lies dying from smallpox. This episode has something for everyone - for lovers of weepy moments, (of which I am not one), we get some tissue grabbing moments from Mark and Jesse; for action fans we get a great adrenaline fuelled performance from Steve; for lovers of shows where the main cast commit crimes themselves we get Steve performing torture and Amanda committing an assault aided and abetted by Mark; and for those of us who like criminals carried away in chains thanks to Jesse, we have him spotting the evidence that allows Mark to put the finger on the guilty party.

To the plot. Mark and Jesse arrive at the beach house to find a burglar dying of smallpox. They quarantine themselves and shut the doors so the virus can't get out. A bag full of jewellery contains two engraved cufflinks which lead to Steve tracing the virus to a local lab that does biological warfare research for the Government. Jesse falls sick to the virus and with just 8 hours before he dies, he tells Mark about his admiration for the father-son relationship he has with Steve and of his own sad relationship with his own father. Mark reveals the family secret of his absentee daughter.

With Mark, Jesse and to a lesser extent Amanda all playing for tears, it's up to Steve to keep the episode afloat and he doesn't disappoint with some great lines like "I don't know how to chase germs, but I know how to catch killers!" The killer is caught by Mark using a hairband.

Murder On Thin Ice

This look into the cut-throat world of ladies figure skating has a dubious murder, (the killing is an accident), and a really sugary ending. In between we have a plot which revolves around two skaters, one of whom hatches a plot to win a million dollar endorsement deal. The final piece of evidence is a photograph of some scratches on the ice and the writer really makes a hash of this bit. First of all Steve arrives at the scene and finds these significant enough to have them photographed, but then ignores them when they are looking for evidence that places the killer at the scene of the crime. One nice touch - Steve and Jesse go to the ice rink and concentrate on the food.

A Model Murder

This is one of Charlie Schlatter's best ever performances. Mark goes on the trail of beautiful, if psychopathic photographer Catherine Windsor, (played by beautiful, if psychopathic superstar Leslie-Anne Down), a woman so afraid of being the butt of any mother in law jokes that she kills anyone who tries to marry her daughter sweet, blonde model Wendy Windsor, (played by sweet, beautiful starlet Jessica Collins). Her new beau is a good friend of Jesse's hapless undergraduate Rick Brooks, (played by hapless hunk Jason Clarke). This is a great episode with a clever opponent for Mark who appears to have every base covered as Mark collects a veritable mountain of circumstantial evidence against her, but nothing to put her away. He finally catches her with the old Mark Sloane favourite of getting her to try to plant evidence. Jesse has a great day. The highlight is a brilliant double scene as he goes to the Path Lab to get away from Norman's annoying interruptions and annoyingly interrupts Amanda's autopsy, uncovering vital evidence as he does so. It's a coincidence of course, but there's a brilliant little passage where Leslie-Anne Down comes out with a succession of double entendres, telling her daughter to "Go get touched up", telling Mark "I had no idea that I had had a leak" etc. There is a brilliant little add-on at the end.

Murder Can Be Murder

Great title - great episode! Brilliant, but cash-strapped Cardiologist Frank Donatti, (played by brilliant, but cash-strapped star Alan Rachins), hatches a brilliant plot to claim $2 million of insurance money with two equally cash-strapped businessmen. What seems like the perfect murder begins unravelling when one of the conspirators loses his nerve and Mark, urged on by Jesse's concerns, goes on his trail. With an intriguing murder plot, no cheating and only minimal dependence on good luck, and with all four leads making positive contributions to the investigation, this is a well crafted story for which Tom Chehak should be congratulated. Interestingly Mark catches Donatti by wiring one of his cohorts - the first time I think I've seen this conventional tactic used on Diagnosis Murder.

An Explosive Murder

This is not really a Diagnosis Murder episode at all, but a short TV movie with the DM cast having bit parts. The story centres on undercover cop Amy Dawson, (played by Tracey Gold), who with astonishing ease, infiltrates an anti-federal terrorist group. Steve gets to play a police sidekick, Jesse plays a doctor and Amanda pops her head in now and then, (none have any involvement in solving the case. For Mark it's even worse - he gets to be a witness under threat who has to be saved. Don't like this one

Murder By The Busload

This episode could have been a contender, a well thought out whodunnit in the classic mode, Mark and Amanda are great, Steve and Jesse are superb and the plot has a great twist built in to it. Sadly one sloppy moment early on give away the twist and reveal the killer It begins with a great moment as Mark counsels a salmonella victim, ("I suggest that's the last time you buy seafood from a pick-up on the freeway"), and because you know he and Steve are about to go off to a big basketball match, you just know something's going to stop them. As Steve is called out of the greatest match of all time, ("I'm sure he'll understand" - Mark), Jesse moves in on unattached paramedic Tanya Wells, (played by unattached superstar Kathy Evison), and motives for each of the possible suspects begin emerging. Sadly we already know who the killer is and who the next victim will be. Twice it seems that Mark and Steve will get free Laker tickets, but one offer comes from a fraud and the other, (in a brilliant mini epilogue), is rather messed up by Amanda.

TRIVIA NOTE: Kathy Evison would make a later appearance in the episode Blood Ties as the Danny Glover cop.

A Candidate For Murder

This superb episode squeezes everything it can from a very shallow storyline about the death of the rebellious daughter of a Senator. All four leads get great scenes here. Steve gets a brilliant showdown with a drug dealer's body guard and gets to run down the killer at the end, (using the Sloan Dive #2)*. Jesse's character is an eager beaver at this stage of the series and he plays it superbly, wide-eyed in wonder as Amanda deals the forensic dirt with such skill. The scene where he and Amanda break into the hotel room is a joy to watch and cuts wonderfully to the following scene. The best line goes to Amanda. This episode deals with drug abuse and she has a moment which suggests the writers were doing drugs while working on a script. The dead girl's boyfriend comes to visit her in the morgue and she says "May I offer you something? I'm afraid I only have tapioca". I am going to empty the food cupboard and have just a tin of tapioca so that I can say this to someone someday. And she has a food fridge there in the morgue! (It's why we love the show).

Anyway, the daughter is a bit too stereotyped, (thank goodness she gets killed), and the spin-doctor's even worse, but those are the only flaws in a great episode.

The ABCs Of Murder

The one with our dear friend Piper Laurie in it. Sweet Piper looks lovely, but misguided as she as she dismisses Mark and goes after a young boy, forcing Steve to drag the hapless youth away in chains. Her hostility to Mark melts away, (of course), but it's well worked because the transformation occurs gradually and seamlessly so you don't really notice. This episode ends with Mark taking the elegant Ms Piper on a hot and steamy date, (a walk along the beach hand in hand). This episode was one of a run where all four leads are used superbly, with each making a genuine contribution to the unmasking of the killer - the vital clue that leads to the arrest of the gunman is discovered by Jesse and it's a genuine discovery, not one where he makes some random remark that leads to Mark catching the bad guy.

A History Of Murder

When Norman knocks down a wall and discovers the skeleton of a brilliant cardiologist who disappeared in 1963 Mark and Co investigate. Later the dead guy's former lover is killed and they have a second murder to investigate. This show has some great moments, particularly in the flashback scenes shown from the eyes of a young Mark. The first of these as Mark goes to the Cardiology Lab is wonderful and Dick Van Dyke's voice over is superb. There are also some nice touches as we see the cardiologist in 1963 smoking a pipe in the Lab. You will sometimes hear doctors complain about being buried in paperwork - this actually happens to Jesse in this episode.

Hard Boiled Murder

A strange one this. This episode stars Mike Connors as a Private Eye Joe Mannix. Mannix was a TV show in the 70s that I've never heard of, and clips from one of the shows are shown here. From what I can make out the Mannix character is a Spillanesque hero - a guy in his seventies with chronic heart disease who beats up young cops. The Diagnosis Murder team get to guest star on their own show.

Murder Country Style

This episode starts badly, then gets better and better with one of the best endings of any episode. Set in the cut-throat world of Country music, this episode has guest appearances from a host of real-life Country stars which must be a thrill if you're a fan. The awful beginning - the immediate post-credits sequence is just two women singing a song. Then we get Amanda and Jesse in the wings pointing out all the Country stars. The script then plods along so predictably, with the only distraction being a bizarre chase of a hat thief by Steve and Jesse. Then almost at the end the story changes direction and mood brilliantly and leaves Mark struggling with his conscience as he faces a difficult moral dilemma.

Delusions Of Murder

One of Diagnosis Murder's darkest episodes dealing with drug-assisted rape. A brilliant example of a perfect murder which immediately begins to unravel has all the incidental evidence - the new locks, the 24-hour cardiograph, the reading glasses - are all feasible within the context of the story and the performances are generally good. A silly trap at the end is a bit of a pity, but this is a good solid episode.

A Passion For Murder

Fatal Attraction meets Single White Female in this episode which looks at the dangers of getting involved with brown-haired, green-eyed women. The pre-credit sequence gives us the beautiful, but deadly Pharmaceutical Rep Stephanie Hitcher, (played by the equally beautiful, though less deadly Alla Korot), accepting a man's proposal of marriage and then pushing him in front of a car. Despite this obvious flaw in her character he still loves her, but she has her eyes on a handsome, debonair doctor Todd Grimes, (played by real-life handsome debonair actor Scott Bryce), and after a one-night stand she begins stalking him.

Another episode where the main leads take a back seat, (Amanda hardly has a line and Steve doesn't even appear till near the end). The twist in the tail is given away far too early, but that aside this is an okay episode.

Blood Brothers Murder

We are not big fans of those episodes written by Barry and featuring his children. This one is quite good though even if it does start like West Side Story. At the centre of the story is a feud between a street gang and a group of surfers one of whom is dating the gang leaders sister the lovely, but dull as dishwater Maria Moreno, (played by the lovely and bright as a button Tamara Mello). When the gang leader is killed this lad gets the blame and it's up to Mark to find the real killer.

Julio Dulce Vita plays Pedro so annoyingly that you want him killed as well and Carey Van Dyke gives the best performance I've so far seen from him. The scene where Mark confronts the gang is a delight.

Murder In The Air

Mark and Amanda are en route to Switzerland when am Air Steward is killed in the toilet. The first half of this episode is really slow, the one highlight being Mark trying to get to the toilet. Then, as all the crew begin collapsing from some unknown cause, it goes wild. On the ground Steve and Jesse struggle to help solve the mystery sharing some lovely dialogue along the way:

STEVE: They're veering off-course and losing altitude.

JESSE: What does that mean?

Meanwhile in the air Mark and Amanda have a race against time to solve the murder and get the pilot in a good enough condition to land the plane.

TRIVIA NOTE: This episode has that Diagnosis Murder trademark the binary poison.

The Merry Widow Murder

An attractive, wealthy wife Claire Whitfield, (played by veteran husband killer Brynn Thayer), helps her young, handsome lover Max Halik, (played by young, handsome hunk Don Diamont), to kill her husband cleverly using Mark in an attempt to make it look like natural causes. A great example of the perfect murder unravelling bit by bit follows. Ms Whitfield then digs her own grave by trying to implicate Mark in the murder. The trap at the end isn't that clever, but the rest of the script is great and the mistakes by the killers are feasible enough.

TRIVIA NOTE:

Brynn Thayer appeared in the original Diagnosis Of Murder TV Movie, (which I haven't seen), as well as the episode Man Overboard where she kills two husbands.

Comedy Is Murder

The story for this episode was co-written by Dick Van Dyke, and as it's set in the world of showbiz and features a cast of comedians, the prospects don't look too good. It starts well enough. As one of TV's greatest ever comedians is given an award, (being Diagnosis Murder the ceremony takes place outside on the steps and is attended by about ten people), a man appears on the roof opposite. Here we have a great moment of comedy. As the man, who appears to be a professional hitman, assembles his rifle he's left with a piece left over!

After this it looks as if our worst fears have been confirmed as the comedian's former partner tries clumsily to kill him. After the murder however it picks up a bit, largely because the main cast take over from the ham-loving Tim Conrad and Harvey Huxley.

The Murder Of Mark Sloan

Writing these I'm always careful not to give away any twists in the tale or to identify the killers in whodunnit episodes, but here I'll make an exception - Mark Sloan doesn't really die in this episode. But there are attempts made, the first blows up Norman and the second cuts Amanda's leg. After the third attempt apparently succeeds we're left with three plausible suspects - the escaped bomber who has sworn to kill Mark, a popped-up Intern who Mark refuses to allow on the staff and an amoral asset-stripper being denied Community General by mark and Norman. There is a very real twist that's brilliantly disguised.

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Murder Blues

Season 5 opened with this neat little episode featuring John Crichton's Dad. Murder Blues is set mainly in the Police Station and the identity of the killer is well-disguised. Steve gets caught in the crossfire of a civic politics war and finds himself under fire from his colleagues. There is one superb scene where he and Mark discuss the morality of exposing wrong. Mark does a "Remember when you were at high school ... " thing, but instead of the usual speech we can a fantastic exchange.

TRIVIA NOTE: This was the 45th consecutive episode with "Murder" in the title a run that began with the beginning of Season 3.

Open And Shut

What had the makings of a classic episode is ruined by a few pieces of unbelievable nonsense. The worst of these is that Mark latches on to the killer of a young woman before there is the slightest suggestion that he was involved in her killing. If this wasn't enough the solution is dependant on the girl dying her hair and the killer having a rare medical disorder and spilling wine on his tablets.

On the plus side we have a reasonably solid story with some great characters and a plot that twists and turns like the Serpentine. Mark catches the killer using a Moral Code.

Malibu Fire

When a man dies fighting a forest fire Mark suspects murder. Searching for evidence of arson, Steve gets knocked out and is left for dead. A decent whodunit with three equally probable suspects. Both Jesse and Steve demonstrate telepathic abilities. From hospital Steve calls the Emergency Centre to speak to his Dad, who has gone to the victim's home. A guy calls out "Phone call for Dr Sloan", Jesse takes the phone and says "Steve", how did he know it was Steve? Steve tells Amanda he has to get his father because he's gone to the victim's house. Amanda asks where the victim lived and Steve switches on the TV and says "There", pointing at the fire-threatened house which he somehow knew was on TV at that very moment. There is a running joke in this episode with a scatterbrained reporter constantly mistaking the cast members for celebrities.

Deadly Games

A wealthy, attractive business woman Victoria Larkin, (played by her namesake and lookalike, the wealthy and attractive brewer Victoria Tennant), is attacked and admitted to Community General. Mark is suspicious of her sinister, Go playing bodyguard Frank Waldeck, (played by sinister, Go playing brewer Michael Beck). Frank seduces and murders a US Marshall and murders, (without seducing), a drunk because he a) is an eye witness and b) gets drunk on another brand of beer.

Mark and Frank confront each other over a game of Go, a scene similar to, but less effective than, a scene in Sins Of The Father.

This was one of the first episodes that I ever saw and at the time I was amazed when Mark checks Ms Larkin's breathing by placing the stethoscope on her shoulder. Now, over a hundred episodes later, I am merely impressed that he doesn't ask her to blow in it.

TRIVIA NOTE: A TV series called Deadly Games was made in 1995. It featured Cynthia Gibb, the original Amanda Bentley.

Slam-Dunk Dead

A look into the cut throat world of basketball. Jesse is short of a few bob and as he only works 68 hours a week at the hospital, co-runs a restaurant, has two research projects on the go and is part of a crime busting team, he decides to fill a few of those empty hours by working as the doctor for the local basketball team. The death of one of the team members, apparently caused by Jesse's incompetence leaves the brilliant young medic on the brink of losing his licence until Mark solves the case by spilling water. This ranks as the silliest exposure in any episode and if you haven't seen it, you'll never get the killer.

Looks Can Kill

I really like this episode. It starts off looking like it's going to be a preachy episode concerning cosmetic surgery but in a lovely twist it turns into a full-blooded murder hunt. The plot revolves around the death of a beautiful woman who dies from an infection contracted during cosmetic surgery. Suspecting negligence at the private clinic where the operation was performed, Mark sets out to investigate and he and Amanda have the clinic closed down. At this point Mark suspects that he may have got it wrong.

Fatal Impact

Mark and Amanda investigate a plane crash and uncover the activities of a whole bunch of ne'er-do-wells including arms smugglers, the Russian Mafia and right-wing terrorists. An episode that keeps its feet firmly on the ground, ending with a nuclear bomb in a briefcase in an LA park. This two-parter is memorable for being the one which introduces FBI agent Ron Wagner who Amanda hates so much that she goes to bed with him. Ron is played by simmering hunk Harry J Lennix. We like Harry and have a framed portrait of him on our piano and a poster of him naked on our bedroom wall.

Must Kill TV

That old storyline .... "TV executive with a Satanist past is murdered". Jesse goes undercover in the post room to avoid going fishing with his estranged father and becomes head of the network. Will all budding TV writers please note that this is what happens when you do drugs.

Discards

Jesse finally gets to meet his accountant Dad, (see 'Must Kill TV'), learns that he has a long-lost half-brother Bruce, (played by long lost half-actor Ted Mattison), then finds out that he doesn't have a long-lost half-brother and that his jovial Dad, (played by jovial superstar Robert Culp), is not an accountant but a spy on a rogue mission. This is one of those episodes where, after 10 minutes you think you're about to experience an all-time classic, but which never quite makes it. It's just too silly even for Diagnosis Murder and the character played by Patrick McNee is atrocious.

A Mime Is A Terrible Thing To Waste

A sultry polymath Randy Wolfe, (played by the equally sultry and no less talented Rachel York), finds a body of an amorous mime at the house where she is dog-sitting. She runs to tell Steve but when they get there the body has disappeared. With no evidence of foul play she tries to convince everyone that the body existed. Mark helps out after Steve proves her right by disbelieving her. Mark adds mime to his many talents in this episode and catches the killer using dog tablets. The Randy Wolfe character is reminiscent of the Barbra Streisand character in What's Up Doc, and is one of Diagnosis Murder's sunniest creations.

Down And Dirty Dead

This gritty insight into the cut-throat world of motorcycle stunt video production was penned by Barry Van Dyke. Sadly Barry's writing lacks the dynamic intensity of his acting and the result is a pretty lame episode. Both Shane and Carey Van Dyke feature in this episode.

Retribution

The first part of this double header ends with Mark being convicted of murder and being sentenced to death, the main witness against him being Amanda. This is almost a real classic, but an utterly ridiculous bad guy and a weak ending hold this episode back from the brink of greatness.

The first part is superb with Fred Dryer once again brilliant as Police Chief Masters, with equally strong support from Neal McDonough and Susan Gibney. The second part is equally good apart from the hamming of Dennis Lipscomb and the fact that the two geniuses turn out to be morons. Jessie and Amanda have only peripheral roles in these episodes.

The prosecutor at Mark's trial is moody Assistant District Attorney Sharon Ellison, (played by moody Connie Blankenship). In the great Obsession/Resurrection episodes I had her down as my chief suspect right up to the point when Ron Wagner pointed the finger at her thus clearing her name.

Dennis Lipscomb had appeared in a previous episode as the murder victim in 'Vanishing Act'.

Drill For Death

A nice little episode which features guest appearances from a number of the cast of M*A*S*H, (both film and TV series). Once again the killer is a nurse,(which we like), who kills someone who's been dead for ten years or something to protect her alimony, (trust us - it makes sense when you see it).

Rain Of Terror

This episode is set almost entirely in a house in the middle of a terrible storm. A young woman accidentally kill her fiance in a fight and as they attempt to dispose of the body Mark and Amanda arrive for dinner. When you are disposing of dead bodies this is the last thing you want. The body vanishes, a mysterious attacker arrives on the scene and, of course, they get a power cut. The plot coupled with the closed, claustrophobic set give this episode a definite Agatha Christie feel and it works really well. A great episode, not an all-timer perhaps, but a great episode nonetheless.

Baby Boom

A look into the cut-throat world of fertility clinics. Amanda attends a pre natal class with her friend when a crazed, embittered man, Bob Bare, (played by crazed, embittered hunk Sam McMurray), bursts in and holds them hostage claiming that one of them is carrying his children having been impregnated by his stolen sperm, (you would think he would have noticed). The accused doctor turns up dead, (twice), and Steve delivers triplets, then disarms a bomb. Ladies and Gentlemen, you have been watching Diagnosis Murder.

Talked To Death

When the Co-hosts of a TV show argue and the man requires treatment after being punched, we learn that the argument was staged as an attempt to raise ratings. The following day they plan a stunt whereby the man pulls and fires a gun loaded with blanks, but it has a real bullet and the woman is killed. When the main suspect, the woman's PA, is killed Mark and the team turn their attention to two rivals and the show's director.

Generally speaking Diagnosis Murder episodes set in the world of television spend too much time making fun of the industry and the shows are hammy and dull. This is no exception.

An Education In Murder

A manipulative, sociopathic student Noelle Landru, (played by manipulative, sociopathic starlet Danielle Harris), wreaks havoc in a private school where Mark is a guest tutor. This episode, (memorable for the fact that the killers and the victims are students, which we like), never quite gets going and it's not helped by a silly, annoying subplot involving Susan and Jesse. We've seen some great sociopathic women on the show recently like Chloe from Rescue Me and the delightful Ariel from Murder My Suite, but Noelle is simply not in their league. The final scene, involving a cornea transplant patient, is so sugary that I required three fillings after watching it. The students are portrayed in a most unrealistic manner insofar as they are a) eager, b) not spending all day talking about Diagnosis Murder or Neighbours and c) not smelly.

This is the fourth episode I've watched this week and the third in which the killer is trapped by confessing after the staged killing of one of the leading cast.

Abbie writes:

This is a sort of evil teen version of Diagnosis Murder. The inspired casting in this episode sees the Goth room mate who has sex with men she meets on the Internet from "Urban Legend" squaring up to the sexiest ever "Buffy" character, the evil girl werewolf who seduces Oz (played by actor Seth Green, the son of occasional Diagnosis Murder director, Bruce Seth Green) and then gets killed with a crossbow. However this and the appearances by Susan with her hair done in really pretty ringlets (we like the hair dept) and the most realistic "crying" make up job we have ever seen (the red nose was exceptionally cruel - we reckon the make up artist has an obsessional crush on Jesse) are the only two things this episode has going for it. The Susan v Jesse subplot does not work as we don't like to be reminded of harsh reality (extremely uncharacteristic of Diagnosis Murder) and the fights between Jesse and Susan were upsettingly free from any Jesse beating which we always laugh at. The ugly forty year old (obviously one of Barry Van Dyke's love children - the only explanation for his appearance on TV) playing the part of a high school stud, some really bad scriptwriting, awful footwear (we hope the wardrobe dept are hanging their heads in shame), lack of Amanda and the fact that we have seen at least three episodes where Mark Sloan "dies" make this episode one of the worst ever made.

Murder At The Finish Line

A look into the cut-throat world of motor racing. When the star driver of a racing team is killed at the end of a race in what appears to be a tragic accident, the Community General team uncover evidence that points to foul play. The switch of driver is really obvious and when Mark apparently unmasks the killers, you get the idea that you've just seen a really poor episode. But a great little twist at the end saves the show. Mark finally catches the killer using a car engine. The racing team owner is played by Marina Sirtis who was probably watching Spurs play when they filmed Alienated and so did this show instead.

First Do No Harm

An interesting episode where technically there is no crime. Following the death of a patient denied treatment because of the rules of her insurers Mark learns from an heroic and selfless nurse Nancy Rush, (played by her equally heroic and selfless namesake Nancy Youngblut whose name we liked so much that we bought it), that a patient is receiving inadequate treatment. Mark battles red tape in a vain effort to save another patient's life. After Nurse Rush gets sacked, Mark gets her reinstated but she has a new job teaching nurses which is a job for sissies.

Food Fight

A look into the cut-throat world of catering. Jesse is asked to organise an annual fundraiser and has to choose a caterer after the usual cater retires. It soon becomes clear that someone is trying to sabotage their rivals when one is killed and a second has her food poisoned. Mark catches the killer using a napkin. The highlight of this show is at the banquet when we see Susan looking quite divine in a lovely dress.

Obsession/Resurrection

A four part storyline that spanned two series of the show. It has the darkest beginning of any Diagnosis Murder episode with Mark attending the execution of a bomber he was responsible for catching and ends with Mark being held hostage by the dimmest revolutionaries in history in a booby-trapped barn. What happens in between is classic Diagnosis Murder. In Carter Sweeney Mark meets his Moriarty, and is constantly outwitted by him right to the very end. Agent Ron Wagner comes to woo Amanda from the other side of the country and is promptly put in charge of the case. Community General is devastated by a massive explosion and is promptly rebuilt exactly the same as it was before. Steve is taken off the case, Mark and Jesse are sacked and Amanda leaves Community General to work for the FBI and live with Ron, has a hair cut and gets her old job back.

There is one of the classic quotes in this story. Mark asks what do all the places in LA that have been bombed have in common, Jesse says "They're all places in LA", Ron gives Jesse the 'you moron' stare, Mark says "You've got something there", Jesse smiles at Ron and says proudly "I do that all the time!". And of course he does.

I have just finished watching the Obsession half of this story and I'm more convinced than ever that these two shows constitute the greatest ever episode of the show. In the first part, (just 40 minutes of television), Mark and Jesse get sacked, Steve quits, Amanda moves to Virginia, we see an execution, witness the DA's career go down the toilet, see the most boring radio show of all time, Jesse commits assault, Amanda falls in love and a load of people get blown up. In the second half Steve gets blown up, set on fire and shot with nails, we get one of the silliest solutions ever in the bombing pattern (but who cares?), everyone eventually gets their jobs back, Mark has his house booby-trapped, we have a classic Diagnosis Murder trap, a great twist with the obvious suspect being named by Ron then cleared by Mark and Community General is destroyed. Wow!

By contrast the Resurrection half of the story is merely outstanding with some brilliant dialogue, you really could fill a Quotes page from this episode. Steve gets a real lucky break in these episodes. Ron the FBI visits Amanda with amorous intentions and the FBI have a rule that if you have come from across the country after totty you get put in charge of any big cases. This means that Ron gets to be the cop who gets it wrong and Steve gets to do some explaining and clue finding.

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Till Death Do Us Part

What an amazing start there was to series 6, the 2 Resurrection episodes followed by this mini classic. A young couple plan to kill her wealthy, asthmatic father, (played by wealthy, asthmatic megastar Patrick Duffy), on their wedding day. The episode is split neatly in two halves, in the first we see the murder as they have planned it, in the second we see it as it actually happens, with Mark catching them out using a wedding photo. The show has a great ending with the murdered father stepping out of the shower, (or did I dream that?).

This episode is a great example of a quality in Diagnosis Murder which in our experience is quite unique. Every now and then the main cast take a back seat and allow guest stars to dominate the show, even when, as in this show, the guest stars aren't 'big names'. (We refer of course to the actors who play the killers and not to dear Patrick who we adore and who can often be seen at our famous buffet lunches with one of my sister's nibbles in his mouth).

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Wrong Number

After Mark tries to intervene in a kidnapping a man is killed and he feels responsible. the FBI are called in and, because Ron Wagner is in Europe, Steve has to work with sensual agent Kathryn Wately, (played by sensual starlet Eva La Rue), with whom he once had a steamy liason, not knowing she was married and he felt used, (poor sod). Sadly the twist is poorly disguised and there are no surprises as Mark moves in catching the killer using a hole in a newspaper.

The sexual chemistry between Steve and Kathryn is surprisingly weak, but he does was more benefit from the presence of another cop as he gets to work things out independantly of his Dad. The victims widow is played by DM-favourite Kathy Evison.

My original review of this episode described it as so-so. Actually it's not that bad, but it suffers like Rear Windows 98 by being surrounded by 17 classic episodes beginning with Obsession and going all the way to Down Among The Dead Men.

Blood Will Out

Jesse and Susan plan to go to Carmel! In a later show, Dead In The Water, the lovely Susan gives us what is surely the greatest Diagnosis Murder quote of all time: "The last time we planned a trip to Carmel, a man with half his head blown off, infected with a deadly plague hwld me captive in the basement!". This is a reference to this episode.

This wonderful episode has great dialogue: -"I've got a black belt in karate at home" - "maybe you should have worn it"; the legendary pat-on-the-back scene as Steve has a man-to-man with Jesse and there's also a plot, (but don't worry your pretty little head about that). This is just sublime television and if you missed this episode you were a fool. Sorry.

Alienated

Jesse comes close to a nervous breakdown after disappearing for five days, possibly abducted by aliens. Charlie Schlatter delivers a terrific performance in this one as he slides to a mental breakdown. This episode does however contain the silliest moment of any episode: Jesse is found wandering the countryside in Utah and is brought to Community General in LA.

Features guest appearances from Walter Koenig, George Takei,Grace Lee Whitney, (Star Trek), Wil Wheaton, (Star Trek TNG) and Gene Roddenberry's widow Majel Barret who appeared in three Star Trek series as well as the original pilot.

The only Diagnosis Murder episode that appears regularly on Sci-Fi message boards.

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Write, She Murdered

A minor classic, which has Diagnosis Murder's silliest ever murder motive. A writer with writer's block, (played by sultry Shelley Long), kills her publisher in order to follow the investigation and plunder it for ideas. She sets the murder up as a serial killing, and has an alibi provided by Mark Sloan himself. A second writer copies the MO to kill a rival and in a Cainesque twist she is accused of the killing she did not commit, while being exonerated for the one she did. She has a number of "conversations" with the main character of her novels, a sultry detective Danielle Slade, based on her medical consultant sultry Amanda Bentley. We disagree on the effectiveness of this, my sister believes that it works really well whereas I find it contrived and annoying.

Rear Windows 98

We suspect the story for this one was built around the title. Season 6 was so strong that even the poorer episodes like this had their moments. The Rear Window and Windows 98 elements are fused by having a serial killer who preys on web cam users. When Amanda witnesses the murder of a young girl she becomes a target. Jesse's three computer nerd friends who assist are superb, particularly the one who has a crush on Amanda, not because she is a sultry beauty, but because she works with dead people.

The whole story is ruined by one clumsy piece of writing. While trying to track the killer from the Path Lab, one of the nerds explains that she could set up a webcam by using the security camera and Amanda warns another not to play with a hose as it shoots scalding water, thus revealing how the killer will track her and how she will fight him off.

The Last Resort

When Steve physically assaults a suspect at the beginning of this episode you are left stunned. When, soon after, he fakes evidence to cover his back you wonder if this is too much to take. It's too much for Steve's superiors to take and he's promptly shipped off to a special rehab centre at Community General. His son's predicament forces Mark to abandon his involvement in the investigation of the murder of a lab technician, leaving Jesse, Amanda and Tanis with the job.

There is a classic moment in this show. How often has Jesse made an off the cuff remark which has led to Mark either solving the case or seeing how he can set a trap? Here their roles are reversed, with Mark muttering "magnetic screwdrivers" in BBQ Bobs inspiring Jesse's brilliant unmasking of the killer.

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Murder x4

A great episode this with shades of The Manchurian Candidate , a man operates a hitman business using terminally ill patients as the killers. Essentially four seperate stories. In the first Steve investigates a drive-by shooting with george Lazenby as the chief suspect. He and Mark then walk into the second murder by being nosey. Steve gets a great line here. Confronting one of the assassins who attempts to defend himself with a poker, Steve says "I'll see your poker and raise you one .44".

The third part is by far the best ending with a superbly acted scene involving Steve and a trapped hostage-taker played by Dorian Wilson. By comparison the final part is a bit of an anti-climax.

The great thing about this episode is that each of the four stories have a different style the first is fairly straight forward, the second played for laughs, the third really tense and the fourth a race against time.

Dead In The Water

The moment you hear Amanda say to Jesse and Susan, "Hey you've both got a long weekend, why not go to Carmel?", then you know you're in for a treat. A show dominated by the lovely couple, has Susan running into an ex-fiance who she thought she'd killed, a town of decent people driven to murder, sunken treasure and some the greatest lines in any episode. Apart from the one mentioned above, (see "Blood Will Out"), the show is peppered with little gems like this:

SUSAN: You should have trusted me!

JESSE: But I was right not to trust you, you lied to me!

SUSAN: Yes! But if you had trusted me you would never have found out that I lied!

This episode was written by Robin Jill Burger, and we say "Robin Jill Burger, (if that really is your name), well done".

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Trapped In Paradise

This is a great little episode. Steve and a sultry reporter Shelby Turner, (played by the equally sultry Shawn Huff), go undercover in a mysterious private community. Once again the show draws inspiration from apparently disparate sources, (It Happened One Night and Invasion Of The Body Snatchers), producing an episode where the murder mystery and solution are forgettable, but because of the sexual chemistry between Steve and Shelby, really works.

Voices Carry

A really dark episode with genuine film noir overtones, this episode is real quality. Jack Klugman plays a Ahab-like detective on the verge of retirement who fakes evidence to prevent the closure of a task force to track down a serial killer who has not struck for over a decade. In doing so he provokes the killer into killing again. The Klugman character shows no remorse over this at all and gets no death scene with Mark where he can redeem himself. His relationship with Mark is equally remarkable. We learn that he was romantically usurped by Mark having been a suitor of Mark's wife, and yet Mark was the last person to stand by him in the task force, commits himself totally to supporting him now but is determined to prove that he faked the evidence in the first killing.

This show is also notable for the fact that Mark doesn't really solve the case, the killer does. In fact, Mark's input into the solution is in effect zero.

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Murder My Suite

"I've won the Medical Examiners Society Scene Investigators Award"

"The Messy?"

I almost choked to death because of this line - Death by Diagnosis Murder! What a way to go.

The beautiful nefarious Ariel, (played by the equally beautiful but surely less nefarious Dara Tomanovich), is one of Diagnosis Murder's finest ever villains, cold-hearted and manipulative as she seduces three men, (although inexplicably not Jesse), in order to hatch a plot to rob a bank. She and the one cohort she leaves alive are caught by Mark using a sock.

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Murder On The Hour

A serial killer playing God, a hospital under pressure, a race against the clock and a police officer called Jurkowski - does life get any better than this? This is a brilliant episode with genuine tension and some wonderful subtleties, (like Steve being strangled with a nasal canula). We are given a whole bunch of feasible suspects: a sleazy cop, a loving granddaughter, a nurse with attitude, a nervous orderly, a vending machine repairman and a whole bunch of possible victims.

There is one brilliant moment of humour. As Steve approaches the killer he says he doesn't want to tip them off, then he smiles at them therefore doing just that.

This episode is not without its flaws however. Diagnosis Murder is not a medical drama and it has no pretensions of gritty realism, so the medical bloopers can be forgiven, indeed we think that they add to the show's charm. It's also necessary sometimes for plot purposes to stage an event that would never in a million years happen in a real hospital. But in this episode there are a number of errors that are unnecessary and the result of pure laziness. For example, the only hospital staff member in ICU, Dr Doyle, is arrested and not replaced. Even worse at 8.10pm Ward 3 is deserted when the janitor finds the body, but when Jesse pages Steve from there at 8.50, the nurses station is packed. At least Jesse treats an Asystolic patient using CPR. That little moan aside this remains a great episode.

There was a some added personal poignancy for me, as I saw the show exactly 24 hours after my own near-death experience, (see 'Murder My Suite').

Rescue Me

Jessie is the killer in this episode, (doing the dirty deed with a sword). This is a great episode, with a first rate performance from Charlie Schlatter. The plot has Jesse being stalked by a sultry, enigmatic artist Chloe, (played by sultry, enigmatic starlet Audie England), who he saved after a car crash. Chloe appears to be harassed by a former lover seedy, two-timing colleague Richard Locke, (played by seedy, two-timing co-star Matt Battaglia). Jesse allows the frightened Chloe to spend the night on his couch after nobly rejecting her silky advances, Susan finds him with the scantily clad beauty and becomes jealous. After Jesse accidentally kills Locke, Mark and Steve learn from his distraught and embittered widow Brenda, (played by distraught and embittered beauty Hilary Shepard Turner), that Chloe had been doing really scary things like kidnapping their daughter's Furby!!!

There is a nice comic subplot involving a new Nursing Administrator which gives Mark a great throw away line - "Big guy, Marines tattoo" and Steve has some great moments, including one where he and the Lockes discuss what pet was boiled in Fatal Attraction, (Steve says bunny - isn't that sweet).

The ending is really, really weak. The trap set is silly and I saw it the day before in Vanishing Act from series 1. As she homed in on the police officer in charge of the case, I sat hoping that the writers had been inspired by I Wake Up Screaming, but alas they were inspired by reruns of their own show.

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Down Among The Dead Men

Astonishing stuff! This amazing episode begins with the team organising a benefit at BBQ Bob's that's interrupted by a street battle that turns the restaurant into a makeshift ER and takes up the whole first quarter of the show, culminating in a stand off between Steve and a suicidal psychopath Kurt Fallon, (played by real-life suicidal psychopath, the delightfully named Travis Tritt). The story that follows is pure nonsense of course, but who cares - when John Logie Baird invented the television surely he must have hoped that it would be used to show stuff like this. The story rattles along at a cracking pace never pausing for a breath or to make a tiny bit of sense. The moment in the bar when the infra red gunsight appears on the back of Tanis archer's head is one of genuine tension, (you know Steve won't get killed, but Tanis Archer?). The final scene with Steve refusing to kill Fallon is simply brilliant. This episode belongs squarely with Steve, but Jesse does have a pitch at stealing it with the incredible line : "He's having a heart attack! Give me my stethoscope".

I have one moan, and it's a minor one. We have a script which has Steve do proper police work and gives him one moment of detective genius, why then does it have him allow the killer to leave the bar so easily? That aside, this is a show to savour.

The benefit, incidentally, is attended by about 10 people, which explains why Community General have so many of them, they only raise about $50 a time.

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Never Say Die

The annual Van Dyke family outing with an episode written by Barry with appearances by Shane, Carey, Wes and Taryn. I prefer this episode to Down And Dirty Dead and Frontier Dad, but it's one of the weaker episodes in series 6. I had one line ready when Steve blinds Tommy, ("Steve tries to keep a delinquent out of trouble, which he achieves by depriving him of his eyesight"), when Steve cleverly clears his own name by blaming himself.

I have two real problems with this episode. Wes and Taryn are the most well adjusted abused orphans ever, and Shane is too clean cut for a delinquent, but this is Diagnosis Murder so who cares. The casting of Shane however is appalling! I mean, this guy is Alex! (They might have got away with it if they'd had a running joke with the leads trying to figure out who he reminded them of). The other problem I have is far more serious, in this episode Mark is a poor detective. Once they learn that there are performance-enhancing drugs in use at the gym, surely they have to consider the gym doctor as a possible suspect, especially as Mark knows that he has just returned from studying training techniques in Eastern Europe. But no, Steve clears the name of one man by suspecting him, while Mark goes after the far more plausible candidate played by Carey.

The doctor's East European connection is, I think a big mistake. The crippled rehab guy is a really plausible candidate, and he's very quietly given a motive in what is a very nice touch during the "don't blame yourself" speech, but it's all wasted by stamping GUILTY on the doctor's head.

Abbie writes:

This is a rather tragic episode as eminent screenplay writer, Barry Van Dyke, allows us, the humble viewers, into his own personal neurotic hell. Barry's discourse on the modern American actor's struggle to overcome an oedipus complex while simultaneously carving their own career based solely on said father's successful film and tv career is a well worn theme, but here given an original and vital slant by the autobiographical elements present in BVD's writing. With this knowledge in mind we can forgive the uncharacteristically bad detection skills displayed by Doctor Mark Sloan. Highlights for me personally were the cinematic feel given by the continual dialogue with the "Rocky" films, the self consciously homo-erotic subtext, the gleefully ironic *the media doesn't promote violence but teaching criminals how to box has a positive effect on levels of street crime* story line and the subversive paralleling of Steve Sloan with Christ in the "blinding" scene. Another interesting point to note is the post modernist way in which Barry propounds his strong anti-Nazi feeling - all the delinquents are part of the so called supreme aryan master race. They are of course, very well adjusted, as my sister has pointed out, however, what she does not realise is that they are in fact criminally insane and only pretending to be well adjusted so they can trick their way into her home and steal the money she had hiding under her bed. NB The fact that I subsequently and inexplicably came into possession of a new sportscar was just the fates way of repaying us and I was in no way in league with the scruffy little wasters.

Trash TV

This two-part episode is set in the world of TV and has all the actors playing the "TV" characters having a great time hamming it up. There's running moan about the state of modern television and its dependence on real life shock videos, tired one-joke sitcoms and mindless action series. Mark becomes Dick Van Dyke for a few moments in this episode as he says, (with more than a little sarcasm), "I wouldn't have a clue how to make a TV show, not nowadays anyway".

I don't like this episode. Diagnosis Murder is never slow to make fun of itself, but the Dr Danger scenes seem to me like Diagnosis Murder apologising for itself. Away from the spoofs the show is brilliantly self-effacing with truly classic moments like the reporters in the morgue scene and the classic line, "then he jumps up and strangles her with the E.T. tube!". The second part is totally forgetful with the notable exception of the very last scene. I must confess that I had guessed early on that the heart attack was not a real one, (as soon as Mark called it by its proper name), but I'd assumed that he'd collapsed from the blowfish and Mark and taken advantage of the situation. The Twilight Zone-like ending took me totally by surprise. The final shot with Mark and the killer sitting in Director chairs with their names on is inspired.

This is the third episode I've seen where Mark breaks his Hippocratic Oath by participating in the poisoning of a suspect, but the first where he and the team participate in kidnapping and torture.

We rate this show ALL TIME CLASSIC.

Blood Ties

The tvtome episode guide says of this episode : "Absurdly bland episode lacks the usual Goldberg/Rabkin sizzle. Two female vice-officers uncover four corrupt female homicide cops who murder felons to harvest their organs for those more deserving", and notes that it was the pilot for a planned series. I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would. True the plot was silly, but no sillier than say Write, She Murdered and the rapport between the two cops was monotonous and bland, but this show had its moments. We were treated to a plethora of quotable one-liners.

STEVE : They said I was wild and unpredictable

JESSE : Steve, they were talking about your hair

and

TAYLOR : Have you got a better idea?

MARK : I don't need a better idea to know your idea's bad

and

TAYLOR : First corrupt cop to move, moves for the last time!

The experienced, sensible cop Amy Devlin, (played by experienced and often sensible movie star Kathy Evison), is appalling, delivering most of her dialogue shouting, but the scatty, devil-may-care Taylor, (played by scatty, devil-may-care newcomer Zoe McLellan), is quite good and her scenes with Mark are a treat. Also she does not date which is cool. I don't know what to say about the three corrupt cops.

This is yet another episode where the killers are trapped by faking the death of one of the leads. Also I find it amusing that after showing Trash TV which spent a great deal of time bemoaning the lack of originality shown by TV producers, the very next Diagnosis Murder shown is the pilot for a series which is a sex-change Lethal Weapon.

Today Is The Last Day Of The Rest Of My Life

This episode begins with a sugary scene involving a terminally ill deaf woman and just gets worse. Another "issue" programme, this time looking at euthanasia that is dominated by a remarkable scene where Mark confesses to killing Steve's Great Grandmother. There is a pointless segment at the Grand Jury and Mark's emotional swings, (a clumsy attempt to illustrate the moral dilemmas associated with the issue), are bewildering. This episode contributes nothing to the Right-To-Die debate and is simply boring and annoying. The acting of the leads is bizarre and bewildering.

My sister thinks this episode is really, really good.